Bones: An Orthopedic Surgeon’s Perspective

We’re proud to present periodic articles from GomerBlog.com, a satirical medical news website created by a bunch of wannabe stand-up comedians who ended up in healthcare. “Through humor and poking fun at ourselves, ” says the Gomerguy, “we hope to change the way medicine is practiced in a positive way. Hopefully we can help get you through your day…even if we only make you laugh a few minutes before changing room 312’s bedpan, or admitting that obnoxious drunk at 2:13am.”

Our first presentation, “Bones: An Orthopedic Surgeon’s Perspective, “ is from Mark Mildren, M.D., an orthopedic surgeon in Loma Linda, California, and reprinted with permission from Dr. Mildren and GomerBlog.com.

Bones: An Orthopedic Surgeon’s Perspective

Bones. I like bones. I like big bones. I like small bones. I like bones. I like long bones. I like short bones. I like old bones. I like young bones. I like misshapen bones. I really like broken bones. I like bones sticking out of skin. I like bones about to stick out of the skin. I like all sorts of bones. I like them. I like bones.

Sometimes bones are broken. I like to fix bones. Sometimes I break bones to fix bones. Sometimes I put screws in bones. Sometimes I put plates on bones. Sometimes I put wire around bones. Bones. I like to take broken bones and make them straight. Unless it is not a straight bone. Then I do not like to make it a straight bone.

The lungs confuse me. The heart confuses me. Kidneys confuse me. The pancreas confuses me. Bones do not confuse me. Unless it is the skull. That confuses me. Teeth confuse me. They are bones. I do not like them as much. Ancef is good. I like when anesthesia gives it. Sometimes gentamycin is good too. Not as good as bones. I like bones.

If you consult me about a deep cut, I will ask if there are broken bones. If you consult me about a crush injury, I will ask if there are broken bones. If you consult me about an infection, I will ask if there are broken bones. If you did not get xrays, I will get them to look at the bones.

I like muscles too. Sometimes I cut muscles to get to bones. I do not like nerves. They are not bones. They get in the way of bones.

After I finished with my medical school, I was deeply intrigued by the pathophysiology of complex disease processes and the underlying pharmacokinetic changes of our current treatment strategies, but now, I like Bones.”

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